


No Choice At All

by suzvoy



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, fixit fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-11
Updated: 2010-08-11
Packaged: 2019-07-16 04:40:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16078622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suzvoy/pseuds/suzvoy
Summary: It's the easiest choice Luke has ever had to make.





	No Choice At All

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted some eight years ago over on livejournal. I discovered earlier today that I wrote a lot more Lure fic than I remembered, so decided to start posting more of it here.
> 
> This was written after we'd heard spoilers that Reid was going to die, but didn't have any specifics. Needless to say, I decided this stupid idea needed to be fixed :P Rated R for language. Minor character death.
> 
> Feedback would be fabulous :) Many thanks to the wonderful D and nel for looking over it :)

Katie doesn't speak to you for weeks. Months, really. You're at his funeral, but it's clear she's not aware of much of anything at the time. You can't blame her - she's lost two men she was in love with, both in less than a year. As much as she loves Reid, cares for Reid, he's not her first priority. The way she sees it, you're the one that killed Chris.

You know she's right.

*  
  
_The day of the grand opening of the neurology wing dawned with Luke wrapped up in Reid and Reid's bed. He was warm and sore and so fucking happy that he thought his sleepy grin might actually be a little scary._

_"Okay, I admit it," Luke mumbled as Reid adjusted the arm under Luke's head._

_"Admit what?" Reid asked, pausing to press a kiss against Luke's forehead. "That my sexual prowess was even more mind-blowing than you imagined? And that you imagined it many times, in great detail, while jerking off in your dingy little room at your mom's place?"_

_Luke laughed even as he replied. "You are completely disturbed."_

_"This should not come as a shock to you."_

_"Believe me, it doesn't," he agreed. "What I was *going* to say..." Luke suddenly found his own hands fascinating. "...is that I'm an idiot."_

_Reid shrugged, apparently unimpressed. "Is that all? I've been telling you that for *months*."_

_He rolled his eyes. "Dr Oliver, you say the sweetest things. I can't imagine why I didn't sleep with you earlier." Luke wasn't really offended - more amused than anything - but then Reid's free arm was moving and then Reid's hand was cupping Luke's face, tipping it up until they were staring at each other._

_"You weren't an idiot for wanting to wait. You're not the one-night stand type, it means something to you and there's nothing wrong with that, either. Sex is the kind of thing you should want to do, when you're ready to do it." Luke felt himself getting suspiciously glassy-eyed._

_And then Reid spoke again._

_"You were, however, an idiot for bringing Noah up at every opportunity."_

_It was mere seconds before a pillow was whacking against the side of Reid's head._  
  
*

It's true what they say about doctors being the worst patients. He's by turns insufferable, irritable and downright horrible. Things only really begin to get better when he starts consulting from home.

Home. Your home. Together.

Most of your family thought it was ridiculous, moving at lightning speed but he needed somewhere to recuperate, with help - whether he wanted it or not - and Katie's apartment was out of the question. Grandma understood and the day you took Reid out of hospital you both moved into the cottage. You'd hesitated for barely a second when Grandma had made the offer, knowing its history and what it meant for you, but quickly brushed it aside. Reid needed space, you needed to help him and staying with your family would've driven him insane. Plus, you could've pictured perfectly the expression on Mom's face if you'd actually asked if Dr Reid Oliver, Boyfriend Stealer Extraordinaire, could stay in her house for the months of his recovery.

No, the cottage was the best short-term option, and by the time you'd been there less than a week you'd forgotten all about Noah and Ameera and the ghosts that followed you from room to room.

You never did forget about that time you jumped on the bed, though, and on a day when he's finding managing his pain difficult, when his lips are pressed in a tight line and sweat is peppering his forehead, you hold his hand and tell him every last detail. The laughter it produces may be physically painful, but he spends most of the rest of the day smiling.

He makes a point of bringing it up at every family gathering, but you knew he would before you even told him.

*  
__  
_They arrived at the hospital together, grinning, and Luke honestly didn't care what anybody thought. His smile stayed plastered on his face as they mingled, talked with Bob, accepted thanks for the money and the hard work. For the first time in years, it felt like everything was coming together. His personal life, his professional life; Luke couldn't imagine how things could get better._

_His smile died when he saw Katie._

_Reid spotted her too and they approached together, each giving her a quick kiss._

_"It's good to see you," Luke said honestly. "I didn't know if you were going to make it." She hadn't been at the apartment in days._

_"Chris insisted," she said awkwardly, staring at the champagne glass she was holding tightly between her fingers. "Since he couldn't. Plus, it is being dedicated to Brad." She frowned, looking lost, like she'd forgotten that piece of information and only just remembered it._

_Luke really did not envy any part of Katie's life right now._

_"Well," Reid began, "at the end of my speech I'm going to make out with Luke for - oh, half an hour?" He looked between the two of them. "So make sure you take notes and describe to him in *vivid* detail exactly what we did and how we did it."_

_As he no doubt planned, Luke and Katie both roll their eyes._

_"Enough about me," Katie quickly changed the subject and neither one of them was about to stop her. "Today must be feeling pretty good for Oakdale's newest Power Couple."_

_"Ohhh," Luke grinned. "I'm putting that on our stationery!"_

_Reid groaned. "And I'm putting myself out of my misery. Where's the champagne?"_  
  
*

Noah stuck around after everything happened. He was meant to go to LA, follow the next step in his film career, but after the shooting he cancelled his plans. You felt guilty about it for a little while, like you were holding Noah back, until Reid pointed out that you'd never asked Noah to stay and you didn't emotionally blackmail him into staying, either. Staying was Noah's choice, Reid pointed out, and Noah was the one who had to live with it.

It's good to see him, around, though, you admit that much. Noah still knows you better than anyone else and on days when you're both free - Noah's working at WOAK and seeing a guy called Andrew, now - the two of you meet up and talk and laugh about anything.

Until one day, months later, you meet for lunch at Al's and he can't seem to focus on anything at all - the conversation, the food.

"Noah?" You gently prompt, wondering if he broke up with Andrew. "Is everything okay?"

Sighing, he crumples up his napkin. "That's what I was going to ask you."

"What for?" You frown.

"I'm worried," he admits, "that you haven't processed it."

You're completely confused, putting your fork down. "Haven't processed what?"

"What you did...not that I'm saying you were wrong," he adds quickly. "But I *know* you, Luke. You worry so much about others, want so much for others before yourself, that the guilt over Chris has to be eating you alive! But you never talk about it, never mention it and, Luke, we did the repressing thing way too much when we were together. I really think..." he holds out a hand, eyes huge and imploring. "I really think that you should talk about it. That it'd be good for you. You can't keep that kind of pain inside. I know how guilty you must feel."

It's not like you don't understand where Noah's coming from. You can understand why he thinks what he does.

It's equally apparent that he doesn't know you nearly as well as you thought he did.

*  
__  
_It happened like something out of a ridiculously melodramatic TV show: the father of a patient that Reid couldn't save pulling out a gun just as Reid was making a speech at the opening of the Snyder Neurology Wing. Margo, Jack and security were there so within seconds Mr Judd had four guns aimed at him but it's clear he doesn't care. He's expecting to die. He's just expecting Reid to die first._

_Reid didn't shoot his mouth off, didn't make things worse for himself. He talked honestly and truthfully - if a little bluntly - about Annie, about how he wished things had turned out differently, but Luke's been staring at Mr Judd's face ever since the gun appeared and he knows it's not going to work._

_He's going to shoot Reid._

_Margo and Jack are trying to appeal to Mr Judd, but it's clear he can't see sense. All he can see is his dead little girl and it's the easiest thing in the world for Luke to step in front of Reid, to put his hands up non-threateningly, to ignore Reid's outraged yell, to explain in a calm, firm voice that if he wants revenge, if he wants Reid to suffer the way he did, Luke is the person he needs to shoot._

_He probably should have, but he didn't see the punch from Reid coming._

_He did hear the gunshot._  
  
*

Reid never asks you why you picked him over Chris, when it looked like Reid was already beyond saving. When everyone - friends, family, all the medical experts - said there was nothing that could be done, that Reid was never going to wake up but that being a donor was still a viable option.

When Katie would sit next to Reid's bed, face streaked with tears, and never ask for anything.

When you'd sit next to Chris' bed, his face grey and ashen, as he tried to keep the unavoidable hope from his eyes.

Reid's never told you that you shouldn't have chosen him, that you made the wrong decision. That you shouldn't have moved the two of you into the cottage, shouldn't have looked after him and nursed him back to health, shouldn't have screamed back at him whenever he screamed at you in frustration at discovering something new he was incapable of doing.

"Hey," you say to him after a string of good days - almost a week. Reid's recovery has been constantly back and forth and you're hoping that finally - *finally* - there'll be no more backsliding. "You never asked me why I wouldn't let them give Chris your heart."

Reid pauses his daily exercises. Sweaty is a good look at on him. "Why would I?"

You shrug. "Everyone else said I made the wrong decision. Or implied it. Or gave me a look that implied it." There'd been a lot of those. "You never did."

Sighing, he walks over to you and carefully lowers himself down next to you on the sofa, his body warm against yours. "Can I change it?"

"No."

"Am I alive?"

"Yes."

"Are we together?"

Most definitely. "Yeah."

"Then why the hell would I think you'd made the wrong decision?"

One person comes to mind. "Katie..."

He lowers his head. "That's on Chris as much as it is on anyone else. If he'd reported his condition right from the start he would've been on the transplant list a hell of a lot earlier. But no, he had to go and be a moron and decide that keeping serious medical issues to himself, rather than dealing with them with his partner, was the right thing to do. I don't wish he'd died - for his sake and especially for Katie's - but he was the one who wouldn't tell anyone." Turning his head, Reid regards you fondly. "Besides, I know why you wouldn't let them slice and dice on the old Oliver bodywork."

"Oh?" you ask. "Why's that?"

"Besides the obvious fact that my genius cannot be allowed to fall to waste...it's because you're in love with me," Reid states matter of factly.

Well, that is true. But you're curious. "When did you know?"

"When you pulled your most idiotic stunt ever - and that's saying something, by the way - and stepped out in front of that gun."

Reid's expression, the timbre of his voice, tells you nothing you don't already know. "When did you know you felt the same way about me?"

Reid doesn't look away. "When you stepped out in front of that gun."

*  
__  
_"Reid!"_

_Luke was on him first, pressing on the wound, trying to stop the blood. Jesus Christ, there was so much blood already!_

_Margo and Jack were yelling, Bob was yelling orders, and Reid was lifting his head from the floor to look at his body._

_"Okay," Reid kept saying, licking his lips. "Okay. Okay."_

_"Reid!"_

_It seemed to snap him out of it and then Reid was focusing on Luke. "Luke. Gunshot to the gut is bad, but we're in a hospital already so that's an advantage. Plus, I should stay coherent." Bob was down by Reid's other side then, shoving dressings under Luke's hand. Reid tipped his head towards him. "Bob, I'll need an OR-"_

_"Already being arranged," Bob interrupted. "Cart is on its way."_

_"Good. Good." Reid licked his lips again, turning his head back towards Luke. "There's no time for tests, they'll need to go straight into an exploratory to remove the bullet and fix any damage it's done. Luke is to have access to me at any time and in the event that I'm unable to make medical decisions for myself, Luke will make them for me. Bob, I'm of sound mind and I'm absolutely serious about this."_

_"I understand, Reid."_

_Reid nodded. "Luke, this includes making decisions about life support. I know you're in shock but if you can't handle that, tell me now."_

_Luke's brain had been stunned into an absence of any thinking at all; it was like a white noise had taken the place of any serious brain activity. Reid had been *shot* and Luke was supposed to be making decisions about life support?_

_"Over here!" Bob yelled and it was like a slap to the face. Someone had to do this if Reid couldn't do it for himself and Luke wasn't about to trust anyone else to do it. Half the town still hated him._

_"I...I understand, Reid. I understand." He did. "I'll do whatever it takes."_

_Reid managed a small smile. "Always knew you had balls of steel."_

_"That's not what you said last night," Luke tried to joke, but it ended on a sob._

_Thank God, thank God, the cart was finally there - why did that take so long in a god damn *hospital*? - Reid was being lifted onto it and Luke nearly slipped over in his blood. He didn't have time to think about it, couldn't have time to think about it, and followed hot on the heels of the cart. Luke had no idea what was happening behind him, if Mr Judd had been arrested, shot or had made an escape. None of that mattered._

_It felt like hours before Reid's cart was finally pushed through doors marked 'MEDICAL STAFF ONLY' and Luke was forced to wait outside._

_"I'll let you know something as soon as I can," Bob promised, disappearing behind the cart._

_Luke didn't hear or feel anything for a very long time. Slowly, he became aware of someone standing next to him, and when he blinked he realised it was Alison._

_"Hey, Luke," she gave him a watery smile, putting an arm around him. "What do you say we get you cleaned up? I can find you some scrubs to wear."_

_Blinking again, Luke stared down at himself. That was a lot of blood. How could Reid still be alive after losing that much blood?_

_But he told Reid he'd do whatever it took. So he would._

_"You were wrong," he told her, almost surprising himself in the process._

_She frowned. "About what?"_

_Turning away, Luke went looking for somewhere to wash up. "He is the man for me."_  
  
*

It's a Tuesday evening when Katie's ready. You and Reid are at home, eating dinner. Reid has to be careful about what he eats, now, which for a man who loves food as much as Reid does is a tragedy all by itself.

When the doorbell rings, Reid answers it - he loves doing these things just because he can - and it doesn't take you long to realise who it is.

"I..." Katie's voice begins. "I...didn't want you to die. I just...didn't want him to."

"I know," Reid answers quietly, and when they hug you slip into the kitchen. Half an hour later Reid comes looking for you.

Katie's perched on the edge of the sofa, twisting a clump of tissues in her hand. Realising you're there, she looks up, startled. "I'm sorry," she blurts out. "I know you didn't want Chris to die. I don't-"

"It's okay," you say, sitting down next to her. "If anyone understands, Katie, it's me."

Pausing, she looks confused and hopeful all at once. "I'm...trying not to hate you, anymore."

You're not offended, and nod in response. It is what it is.

You and Reid make love for the first time since the shooting that night. It's only the second time you've been together. It's slow and gentle and though there's no penetration, you're paranoid about hurting him the entire time. He only mocks you a little for it.

Afterward you lay with your arms wrapped around Reid, your face pressed against his neck. When you feel your eyes welling up you blink them back rapidly, trying to keep them at bay.

"It's okay," he says roughly. "My neck could do with a bath of your salty Snyder tears. I bet they smell like apple pie."

Your tears turn into laughter and you know it was no choice at all.

*  
__  
_"Luke..." Bob began cagily. "There's no sign that he's responding to the treatment. No sign that he's going to wake up. It's been weeks, Luke, and we have to start considering the possibility that there are several patients in this hospital who could benefit-"_

_"No." He meant Chris. Whenever anyone mentioned it, they always meant Chris. "Bob, I'm sorry, I know he's your son...I'm sure I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through right now and I wish someone could help Chris. But it's not going to be Reid."_

_"Luke."_

_"That's my choice, Bob," Luke replied, watching over Reid, not looking away. He didn't even care if he was being selfish, if he was putting himself first, but he was never going to regret or feel guilty about this decision._

_Reid Oliver was not going to die. Not if Luke Snyder had anything to do with it._

~FINIS


End file.
